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3.31.2011

Houston, we have a Starbucks!

Yesterday I was driving through River Oaks, an upscale neighborhood in Houston, when I noticed something amusing. Instead of chuckling to myself like a normal person, I immediately called my husband, demand he leave work, and help me make a video.

I think everything about this video, and situation in general, is hilarious.


My husband's boss may think otherwise.





*Isn't my running form fantastic? I credit my junior high track career.


3.30.2011

Frequently Asked Questions

Look who has a FAQ page!!! See it? Over there to the right hand side under "Megan's Pages"? Exciting huh?? All big time bloggers have a FAQ page. That's how you know when you've made it! You know, when you make up questions to ask yourself and then anwser them. I'm totally on way to the big time!

I spent all day working on it while intermittently perusing Itunes and snacking. I got so caught up in these activities I had to call and cancel my 5pm hair cut. I told the receptionist that "something came up at work". I used my businessy, important voice (which, oddly, sounds sorta British) in hoping to mask that my "work" was downloading Adele and binge eating almonds.

But I have a FAQ page!

3.29.2011

Megan, A Printing Champion

I have a printer! I can print! My lack of personal printer never posed a problem in the past. I’d simply print whatever document I needed at work. But ever since I quit my job, my ex-colleagues give me dirty looks when I show up to use the copy room.
But Danny fixed my printer! He apparently reached his breaking point of hysterical phone calls from me en route to Kinkos. Though the document needing printing was always different, the situation was always the same. I was in a hurry. I was lost. And I was sobbing.  Sometimes, when I was being really melodramatic, I’d say things like, “Fuck it! I just won’t bring a resume to the interview.”  Or “Fuck it! We just won't file taxes this year.”
But that’s all in the past because now I have a working printer!! So far I’ve printed out the following things;
1.       Pictures of my dog
2.       Pictures of fashion models for future “outfit inspiration”
3.       Words from Dictionary.com that I want to learn. (Or should I say have a “hankering” to learn!)
4.       More pictures of my dog
5.       A map of all the sexual offenders living within a seven mile radius of our house.
See how vital it was that I gained this capability??? You can never have too many pictures of your dog.  
See! Isn't he cute? I'm going to print this....

3.28.2011

DirectTV

Our DirectTV installer guy saw me naked……His name was Arthur. He was a soft spoken, little Asian man and he saw me garmentless... (Unless the towel in my hand counts as a garment? In which case he saw me naked…and holding a towel.)
I suppose I could go into the details….
I could tell you how this happened. (He was in my closet when I came out of the shower.)
I could recount how it made me feel. (Bad.)
I could explain to you why he was in my closet. (Actually... I can't. I still have no idea what my closet could possibly have to do with the installment of cable.)
I could even share with you what I would have done had I known about the surprise peep show. (Spray tan and lots of sit-ups.  And then more spray tan.)
I could definitely tell you who I blame for this situation. (My husband! Obviously, my husband! You think it was my idea to get DirectTV? I don’t even know what DirectTV is.)
But, honestly, I don’t want to get into the details…
Besides, I’ve since discovered that with DirectTV you can rent movies that are still in theatres!! How cool is that? I would have got naked, willingly, for that perk. So we're good here....all good.
 I always watch TV in heels. Always.

3.24.2011

R.I.P.

A verbatim conversation between me and my wise husband;

Danny: So, did you hear that Elizabeth Taylor died today?


Me: Yeah.  I was gonna post the scene from Sex in The City 2 on my Facebook page.

Danny:  Why?!? (confused)

Me: You know, just as like, a tribute.

Danny: To Elizabeth Taylor? 

Me: Yeah.

Danny: But that scene you like was with Liza Minelli.

Me: Really???? (Contemplative and Surprised.....but it was all starting to make sense.)

Danny: Yeah.

Me: Huh…..(extremely pensive) ….Well I probably won’t then.

Danny: Yeah, I wouldn’t.

So Elizabeth Taylor, RIP Sister. I can’t say I’ll miss you, as I thought you were Liza Minelli this whole time.
And Liza, now that I know your name is Liza, put a ring on it girl!

3.22.2011

Iconic Houston Restaurants

Brennan's Restaurant in Houston, Texas
My parents are coming tomorrow! I've diligently planned the week with things for us to do. I also thought this would be the perfect occasion to go to Brennan's, a restaurant I've been wanting to try.

From what I gather, Brennan's is pretty upscale place with "creole" cuisine. I don't know what "creole" is but i think it means shrimp and Bloody Marys. Apparently Brennan's has been featured on The Food Network and won some prestigious dining awards. I've also learned that the restaurant burned down during Hurricane Ike! So I learned two things really. One, there was another Hurricane besides Katrina. Two, It was pretty bad. I don't blame myself for this oversight, but rather Midwestern news coverage and perhaps Kayne West.

Though Brennan's has been on my radar since we moved to Houston, I haven't been in a huge rush to get there. That changed yesterday when someone told me Terms of Endearment was filmed there!!! I've never seen Terms of Endearment, but I like going to things that were in movies - I feel like they're more legit.
In order to fully prepare for our Saturday reservation, I stopped in Blockbuster and picked up the movie. I showed Danny when I got home to which he responded, "Oh God! Don't watch that."

My mom also gave a firm precautionary warning...."I don't know how you're going to react to that." she said.

Thirty minutes in to the movie, I picked up on the melancholy undertones.....An hour in,  there were some tears...At exactly the two hour mark,  I picked up the phone and cancelled our reservation.

Saturday night, we are now dining at an equally established and popular restaurant in Texas called Chili's.

3.21.2011

A Royal Wedding....Rip-Off

All this excitement and buzz over the imminent Royal nuptials has me reminiscing about on my own wedding. I can't help but notice a plethora of similarities between my ceremony and this alleged "wedding of the century". See for yourself. 

THE DRESS
Many are speculating that Kate Middleton will be wearing a dress by Donna Karan. I, too, went with an American designer. My dress is by a prestigious design house called "White House Black Market."


Dress: White House Black Market   Shoes: DSW   Flowers: Whole Foods

CELEBRITY GUESTS
I'm sure the royal wedding will be bursting with a multitude of A-listers; Elton John, The Osbournes, Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, Amy Winehouse (actually, probably not Amy Winehouse.) Though much more intimate, our wedding also had an array of celebs.

My mom, best known for being the ex-girlfriend of Hollywood superstar, Gary Sinese, was obviously in attendance. Linda and the Forest Gump star split amicably 40 years ago while both students of Highland Park Elementary School.

Ex-girlfriend of Gary Sinese, Linda Halpin

My brother, Ryan Halpin, was also in attendance. Ryan was an integral member of the prestigious 2001 Franklin High School Prom Court.

Prom Legend and Royalty, Ryan Halpin


THE FIRST SONG
I wonder what Kate and William's first song will be? Our first song, was also our last song....and middle song.....We only had one song! We made it count, however, by picking a timeless number and artist. "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce. The lyrics, "I could have another you in a minute" make it an nontraditional choice for weddings...but it was our fave song at the time (wasn't it everyone's?) so we decided to go with it. 
Love you Bey!
(picture credit here)

 
LONG ENGAGEMENT
"Waitey Katey" is what the British Media dubbed Kate Middleton due to the 8 year courtship to her Prince. My magic number was also 8! Though for me, it was 8 months, as opposed years. But "8", nevertheless!

Prince William and "Waity Katey"


HONEYMOON
The Royal couple will visit a number of remote places and countries during their honeymoon. A honeymoon spent "round the world" you could say. Likewise, our honeymoon involved traveling round the world.....Sea World.  Upon leaving Austin and heading to Texas wine country, we stopped and spent the day at San Antonio's SeaWorld...because what's more romantic than Shamoo?

sexy


The Original Royal Couple.
 Despite the overt mimicking of our wedding, I'm not upset. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery, is it not?  So an official "Best Wishes" to Prince William and Kate from Yours Truly.



3.17.2011

Massage Gone Wrong

That's totally me and not a picture I found on the internet.


I decided to treat myself to a massage yesterday – nothing fancy, just a quick, cheap chair massage was all I had in mind. I went to a nail salon that I’ve drove by on numerous occasions that looked decent. I told the Asian lady behind the counter that I wanted a massage. She gave me a nasty look and said in a thick accent, “don’t do massage. Just manicure and pedicure.”

“Huh.” I say. “I guess I was confused by the neon sign on your window that says massage.” I turn around and look to make sure that it was still there. (It was.)

I decided to try somewhere with a more explicit name and business model. I drove over to, Massage Heights, a massage chain that appears to be popular in Houston.

I knew I was in trouble upon meeting my massage therapist. He looked like a Greek Danny Devito.

I took off my shirt and got into the bed. My massage began, as did the talking….talking, talking, talking. Danny Devito gabbed throughout the entirety of my massage. Though I have a lot to choose from, these were some of my favorite quotes.

·         “You need to eat more protein. Not red meat, but perhaps wild cod….as long as it’s not farm raised. Do you like cod?”
·         “Do you feel anything?”
·         “Does it feel good?”
·         “You are very flexible.”
·         “Don’t eat sugar after 3pm…..Do you eat sugar after 3pm?”
·         “You need to be stronger. This is the most important thing in life.”
The random observations and bizarre questions only stopped as he transitioned into trying to schedule my next appointment. Right there on the spot.  Because.. ….what’s more relaxing than a high pressure, sales pitch?

3.16.2011

Michaels Craft Store



Franc
 I was up early Sunday morning. Looking for an alternative to church, I decided to go to Michaels, an errand I’d been meaning to run for months. I decided not to hit up Starbucks on my way there and rather utilize one of our many travel mugs. “Use the $5 for something else.” I told myself pragmatically.  


Michaels was not the productive trip I was hoping it would be. I spent the first 30 minutes searching for the “candle section” that I eventually learned did not exist. I spent the following 30 minutes looking for my travel mug that I must have set down somewhere in the Frame aisle? Fake plant department? Scrapbooking section? No fucking idea! (So instead of saving $5, I’m out $20.)
Now frustrated and angry, I head over to the framing counter to inquire about getting a painting we got at a flea market in China custom framed. You'll never guess who was working!!! Franc, from Father of The Bride! (Okay, obviously it wasn’t really him….but this guy was a spitting image in every possible way.)
I’ve never seen so much enthusiasm or energy about a $6, truly average, piece of art.
Franc put on white gloves to examine my masterpiece. “It’s beautiful!” he exclaims dramatically. “I love how the branch just flows.” He demonstrates a “flowing” action by gracefully extending his left arm.
“Yeahhh…..” I say, trying to reign him in. “So how much is this going to cost?”
Ignoring me, he continues, “It’s just too bad there are all these wrinkles in the painting.” He carefully traces the wrinkles with his gloved pointer finger.
“Well, it’s from China.” I say. “It was hard to get it home in one piece.” I lie, knowing damn well that it had nothing to do with the proximity of its origin...but more to do with the fact that it'd been in the back seat of my car for two months.  The same back seat in which my dog frequents.
Franc finally quoted me a price of $179. I told Franc, in that case, I had to pass which upset him greatly. I attempted to console him, expressing my appreciation for his knowledge, his services,  and his time.  Because Franc still seemed disappointed, I tried changing the subject.


"Soooo, what was it like working with Steve Martin?!"

3.15.2011

Megan Checks her Voicemail..

A completely authentic, non-staged, picture of me on my cell phone.


I hate talking on the phone. I really, really hate it. It’s not a reflection on my feelings for the caller. I’m just not a phone person. And even more than that, I hate checking my voicemail. And because I rarely answer my phone, I constantly have an abundance.

This weekend my mailbox reached an all time high of 14 unchecked voicemails. My mailbox automatically closes at 15. I can’t have that. You never know when the Blog Editor of The Houston Press is going to call and offer me a job. (Probably not soon since he just turned me down via email.)

So this weekend I channeled all my willpower and made myself check the 14 voicemails in their entirety. I felt my stress level climbing as I punched in my 4 digit password. (6-9-6-9 …ha!)

Instead of calling everyone back, I’ve decided to address some of the callers in this open forum. I hope no one minds, but I think this will be the most efficient.

To the people who left me voicemails;

Aunt Debbie – Thanks for the birthday wishes! It feels good to be 29. Although, by now, I’m closer to 30. And that's not as great...

Mom – No, I don’t think Danny would want a blender for Christmas…But now that we have one, we use it. I swear!

Dad – You did call and remind me to bring my key to your condo that you spent $200 to make that I haven't used once......sorry!

Danny – We drink skim milk in our house. You, as we know, picked up 2%.

Dr. Wolf’s Office- Yes, I am aware of our appointment on January, 4th 2011 at 10:45am. For the record, I’m still in a lot of “general pain” if you want to change your mind about any of those prescriptions I asked for.

Blockbuster – WTF! I thought you had “no late fees.” What do you mean you’re automatically deducting my debit account? Shady ass false advertisers!!!!

My dear friend, Eric Johnston – Yes, I see the irony in you responding to my text, “Yay! You finally got text messaging!” with a phone call. I see the irony indeed.

Julianna – No, I don’t know a good a hair cut place in Bucktown. Unfortunately I know tons of bad ones…so let me know if you want the names of those.

Creepy sounding dude – You have the wrong ass number man. And for the record, that’s some fucked up shit. I hope I never run into you…..ever…..

My mother-in-law – No. I don’t have plans on Tuesday, March 15th while you’re in Houston for a doctor’s appointment….so I guess I’ll see you, in like, ten minutes...

3.14.2011

On The Wings of Love

The window in which the bird set up shop.
   
Bird's point of entry.






















It was Friday afternoon and an absolutely gorgeous day in Houston. The sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the bright blue sky. I had the porch doors open accordingly. I was on my computer in the office, typing away, as I heard the living room blinds flapping in the wind. I walked into my living room to realize two things;
1.       We don’t have blinds
2.       There was a F-ING BIRD in my F-ING house
I’d like to tell you that I was brave…..I was not.
I knew I couldn’t call Danny because he was in the midst of a HUGE meeting he’d been talking about all week.  (I still called him….but no answer.)  
I proceeded to do the following;
1.       Called 911. They transferred me to me to Animal Control….who never picked up. Bastards.
2.       Called our friend, Waldo, who lives in Nashville, Tennessee.  I’m not sure what I expected him to do remotely, but it doesn’t matter because he didn’t pick up.  Bastard.
3.       Cried.
4.       Hyperventilated.
5.       Googled and called some random Houston Animal Removal agency that told me they couldn’t come until 5pm. Shot the messenger.
6.       Hyperventilated.
7.       Got a broom and started whacking the poor little bird while uncontrollably screaming because I was so scared. The bird took it like a champ and continued to just sit on my window sill.
8.       Went outside, shoeless, and found a security guard working at the high rise next door.
9.        Invited (demanded) him to come into my home and help me.
10.   Watched him get the bird out of my home with his bare hand.
11.   Walked outside with him as he freed the bird. Hugged him. Shut the door behind him.
12.   Sobbed uncontrollably due to post traumatic stress.
13.   Poured myself a stiff drink as the clock struck noon.



3.09.2011

The Top 10 Things I learned at The Rodeo

Checking out the cattle

The Top 10 things I learned at the rodeo

10. It takes 3 Bud Lights to get me drunk.

9.  Cowboys use the word “daddy”. They aren’t trying to be sexual, it’s just the word they use.

8. I didn’t have to go all the way to Australia to ride a camel or see a kangaroo. I just needed to go 3 miles east.

7. You should not ride the gondola when you have a crippling fear of heights.
6. A “gelding” is a castrated male horse.

5.  Tim McGraw is really, really hot. If you tell this to your husband more than three times, he’ll get mad and say “Enough already! Jesus!”

4.  Rodeo clowns are a real thing. A very real and very sad thing.

3. My husband and I disagree on what constitutes a “good investment”. I happen to think a pair of chaps that say, “Houston Rodeo 2011” fall into this category.

2. The Papa Johns at the rodeo is superior to any other Papa Johns that I’ve eaten at. They don’t, however, deliver nor do they seem to appreciate that particular question.

1. I LOVE the rodeo!!!!!


Me and a real life cowboy.
Danny on the gondola

I'm at the rodeo ya'll!

3.08.2011

Pool Party

Winning

Things are really coming together here in Texas. Yesterday, I came across the kingpin in terms of what needs to happen here to achieve total Texan euphoria. Literally a five second walk from my home, I discovered a private pool.  Even better, I discovered that said pool has a janky security system. Meaning, if I pack a very light bag, I can climb the fence. 

Let me clarify, I’m not sneaking into some random person’s pool. That would be creepy and I do have some morals. (Clearly not “tons” but I have “some”.) This pool is meant for the tenants of the high rise, The Lofts @ Herman Park. They must have 100+ tenants; surely they aren’t going to notice one more awesome chic at the pool, will they? Did I mention it has a fountain?

In the words of Charlie Sheen, “winning.”


3.07.2011

My Taste in Music

It’s possible I have terrible taste in music. I’ve always said it was an “eclectic” taste. However, upon reviewing my upcoming concert schedule for the summer, I’m willing to consider it’s less “eclectic” and more “awful.” You be the judge.


Puff Daddy!
Puff Daddy (May 12th at Warehouse Live)
I bought tickets to go see Puff Daddy! (Diddy now, but whatever!) I’m so excited!! It’s especially cool because he’s playing at a smaller venue, not a huge amphitheater. So it will be more of an intimate experience between Puff and I. What’s not cool is that after I bought the tickets, Danny informed me that he’d be out of town. (For a golf tournament – shocker!) If this scenario happened in Chicago, it’d be no problem. I’d just enlist the company of one of my friends. Unfortunately, here in Houston, I have no friends. And I’m pretty sure inviting one of the few acquaintances I do have, to a Puff Daddy show, won’t help my cause.

Josh Groban
Josh Groban  (May 14th at The Toyota Center)
I actually didn’t buy tickets to his show but I wish I would have. I asked Danny if he wanted to go and he said no. Technically, he didn’t say anything. But if looks could talk, he said something along the lines of, “No, I don’t want to go to a fucking Josh Groban concert. Fucking Josh Groban? Are you kidding me? Hell no!” Sooooooo, I think I’ll just buy his new CD and call it a day.

Ray Ray
Rhianna (July 9th at The Toyota Center)
She’s coming to Houston! She’s touring with Cee Lo. He must be a short opening act since he only has that one song…A good song, no doubt - I have it on my Ipod. (The Glee version...hence my bad taste in music.) But still, one song has got to make for a short opening act, which is fine by me when you’re opening for Rhianna!!!

a smoldering Tim McGraw
Tim McGraw (Tonight at The Rodeo)
I’m going to see Tim McGraw, TONIGHT, at The Rodeo! I’m really excited! I’ve been a Tim McGraw fan for some time…ever since I saw him in The Blindside. He was super hot. And more recently, I was a fan of his work in Country Strong playing Gwenth Paltrow’s hubbie. I only know a handful of his songs but what I know, I like. Ironically, I do know all the words to the song, Tim McGraw, by Taylor Swift. I wonder if he covers that one? I can’t imagine getting the rights would be a problem? Hmm.

3.03.2011

My Daily Workout Routine

I need to workout in the morning. If not, it’s tough to get done. Plus there is an underlying sense of dread present throughout my entire day. The afternoon is when it really kicks in. I have to do things like pass on leftover Otis Spunkmeyer cookies that our office manager made for clients. I try to pump myself up for the imminent workout session during my commute home.  I alternate upbeat songs (i.e. Katy Perry’s Firework) with the following self pep talk, “workout, workout, workout, workout, workout, workout.” (Creative, no? I'm like a modern day Tony Robbins!)

When I get home I immediately put on my gear because, obviously, I’m going to workout. It’s just that I need to do a few crucial things first. Like the laundry. I haven’t given a second thought to the four, heaping piles of laundry in weeks. But right now… pre-workout… they’re an immediate priority. I also need to organize the closet where we keep the board games. We haven’t played a board game since we moved to Houston. Honestly, we haven’t played one since, probably, Spring of 2007..but what a disaster that closet is!!!! Who lives like this?! Lastly, I must do Internet research on Houston recycling centers. I’ve been meaning to “go green” for ages now. And there’s no time like the present, am I right??

Danny comes home to me on some random composting website, wearing nothing but Nike shorts and a sports bra. He begins to make dinner. 

“Try this.” he says, carefully lifting a spoon of spaghetti sauce towards me. 

I open my mouth but instead of trying the sauce, I berate him. “I CAN’T EAT!!” I snap, offended. “I HAVE TO WORKOUT!!!” I go on to tell (yell) at him the woes of being a modern day woman. “I just have so much on my plate, you know!!? I have a full-time job, I have to take care of the dog, I have to clean this huge (exaggerated for drama) house!! All while keeping up my figure!”

Danny calmly interrupts my tirade to remind me that I haven’t taken the dog out for weeks and that the cleaning lady comes tomorrow. “Why don’t you just have a nice glass of wine and sit here and talk to me while I finish dinner?” he suggests. “You can workout tomorrow.”

I sigh defeatedly, but relieved. "Okay." I agree. (Plus, a glass of wine!? How good does that sound?)

“I’ll workout tomorrow.” I tell him (more myself.) “But I have to run by the cleaners tomorrow morning. So I’ll just do it tomorrow night.

3.02.2011

The Parking Garage



Found it!

Big day at my new job yesterday. Huge! Not only did I get my business cards but I
got a parking pass to the employee garage. I was stoked. I was stoked until I left
work and couldn't remember where I parked.

Eight floors of parked cars and my Ford Escape was nowhere to be found. After 20 minutes of looking I started to panic (and cry). Did I mention I really had to pee....and was hungry? When I didn't know what else to do I called Danny to come pick me up. He had the gall to tell me
"no" when I explained to him the situation. I don't care that he was "still in a
meeting" or "thought I could find it if I looked a little longer". I just wanted to
go home....god damnit!

I toured the garage for what seemed like another hour. I cursed myself for bringing
my spare keys- the ones that didn't have the panic button key chain. I said I
"wasn't crying but had something in my contact" when I passed by a group of
colleagues en route to their respective vehicles. I made the decision to "quit this
fucking job" though it didn't impact my immediate dilemma.

ALAS!!! I stumbled upon my car. Tomorrow I'll make note of where I park.