Perhaps the reason I’m so terrible is that I found it challenging to concentrate during yesterday’s training. I wanted so badly to apply myself entirely. The truth is that when Nicole was attempting to teach me, I was completely preoccupied brainstorming alternative solutions to me actually having to do the payroll. Let me share what I came up with.
Alternative solutions to me doing the payroll
- Outsource the payroll to India! I think a lot of companies do that now. Just send that shit right on over!! (It’s more convincing if you could see the arm gesture I’m doing when I say “send”.)
- Two words. Summer Intern…… Problem Solved!
- Prison Work Release Program. Preferably a white collar, numbers oriented criminal doing time for embezzlement but has since been reformed and “found God”. That second part is obviously crucial.
- Sell the company to “Venture Capitalists”. (The first step? Learn what a “venture capitalist” is other than “what Vince Vaughn pretended to be in Wedding Crashers” which is my current definition.)
- Not pay any of our employees during Nicole's absence and sell them on the ideology of "Mo Money Mo Problems".
I can't wait to pitch these ideas to my family. I think I'm going to make this into a Power Point presentation and get very professional with it. First Step? Learn Power Point.