Pimping out the Payroll

 I’ve secured a temporary position with my family’s company doing the payroll. Our Payroll Administrator, Nicole, is going on maternity leave which is how this opportunity came about. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that I was chosen for this role based on my DNA as opposed to my skill set. I mostly think this because I’m terrible at payroll. 

Perhaps the reason I’m so terrible is that I found it challenging to concentrate during yesterday’s training. I wanted so badly to apply myself entirely. The truth is that when Nicole was attempting to teach me, I was completely preoccupied brainstorming alternative solutions to me actually having to do the payroll. Let me share what I came up with.

Alternative solutions to me doing the payroll
  1. Outsource the payroll to India! I think a lot of companies do that now. Just send that shit right on over!! (It’s more convincing if you could see the arm gesture I’m doing when I say “send”.)
  2. Two words. Summer Intern…… Problem Solved!
  3. Prison Work Release Program. Preferably a white collar, numbers oriented criminal doing time for embezzlement but has since been reformed and “found God”. That second part is obviously crucial.
  4. Sell the company to “Venture Capitalists”. (The first step? Learn what a “venture capitalist” is other than “what Vince Vaughn pretended to be in Wedding Crashers” which is my current definition.)    
  5. Not pay any of our employees during Nicole's absence and sell them on the ideology of "Mo Money Mo Problems".
 I can't wait to pitch these ideas to my family. I think I'm going to make this into a Power Point presentation and get very professional with it. First Step? Learn Power Point.


  1. Outsource payroll services are always good. Businesses offering payroll services and other financial services know that their continued contract with a small business depends on continued satisfaction. To this end they usually try to make their services blend in as much as possible with the small businesses existing situation.

    payroll service

  2. I don't think that payrolling is much expensive and risky for the clients. But it’s the thing that helps in calculating and managing the annual income, bonuses and deductions. So it’s beneficial for clients.



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