7.07.2011

The Bridesmaid Diet

Me and my niece at
David's Bridal.
Is anyone else confused about how to diet these days? Weight watchers. Atkins. Gluten free. Anorexia. It’s all too confusing which is why I’m so glad I came up with a new diet. It’s called the bridesmaid diet and it’s fantastic.
Here are the instructions.
1.       Have your friend, Megan, ask you to be in her wedding.

2.       Buy the dress from David’s Bridal.

3.       Have the sales lady at David’s Bridal convince you to get a size 8 even though it seems snug and you are more comfortable with a 10.

4.       Experience weekly bouts of nervousness that you won’t fit in the dress and will have to buy a new one.

5.       Try on respective dress. If it still fits, binge on Oreos and hummus. (Though that’s just my choice. I’m sure your snack of choice will suffice just fine.)

6.       If dress doesn’t fit, don’t eat for 3 days. On evening of third day, when you're in a starvation/delirious state, make anonymous calls to the sales lady at David’s Bridal and tell her you are going to “Bin Laden her ass”. Not having a firm definition on what that means is fine. I’ve found any reference to the word “Bin Laden” when you are transparently angry tends to scare people.

7.       Alternate between steps 5 and 6 until day of wedding – hoping you’re at your Oreo/Hummus weight on October 1st  or whatever day your respective wedding is  scheduled to occur.

And that y'all is the Bridesmaid diet. You're welcome.

5 comments:

  1. Thanks. I will keep that in mind for when I decide to have a man. Currently I follow the "eat whatever I want because I'm single and don't have to hear crap about it" diet. Not only is the diet spectacular, but it also helps keep my stress level low. P.S. I love that dress.

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  2. Sounds and awful lot like my caramel candies/Captain Crunch pre-wedding diet....

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  3. OMG! You are hilarious girl! Following you btw! I ordered a snug size on purpose for my friend's wedding hoping it would motivate me to loose weight...not so much, it just made for a long and uncomfortable evening! lol!

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  4. I have to do this until April 12?!?! I'll be dieting forever....

    Actually, I'm already dieting. I don't know how I'm going to get into a bridesmaid's dress because I have no idea what size I'll be. Between the medication I need and my incessant need to diet, I could be anywhere from a 7 to a 23. No kidding. It's happened. The bridal shops will hate me.

    My brother is getting married April 12, but his fiance adores me (and I think she's absolutely amazing, I'm happy for them both). She asked me to be a bridesmaid. I'll be in blue.

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